Let’s talk about life a little today – life that is put on hold during NaNo, maybe, or just life in general. I failed. I failed yesterday because this update is already a day too late, and I failed this week because I haven’t written a single word for NaNo.
This is part of NaNoWriMo, too, you know. The times you fail to improve, to even think about your project. I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment, I won’t go into detail but it’s bad. Most times I’m good at ignoring the bad which is also bad because then it grows into a big bad heap and at some point it buries me underneath it. I guess something like that is happening right now.
You see, there was simply no time to write or even think or sometimes not even to breathe without the thought of impending doom. Sometimes, I’m most prolific in my writing when shit is happening, when drama comes to visit me at home but, sometimes, I just hide underneath a blanket and try not to startle the demons hovering over me. You can tell, I’m a drama queen, right?
But so it is and it’s not going to go away soon enough. I’m not sure if that means that NaNo is basically over for me, maybe I will raise myself like phoenix from the ashes and soar in the last few days. Knowing myself, that’s not likely but we’ll see. I’m not overly worried about this, as you may be able to tell. This is my first NaNo – I had high expectations, mostly in myself. I think it’s a good program, and I’m going to participate again. But I’m not hard core, I’m not forcing myself into a stress situation because I’m failing to win.
I believe in temperament. I believe in a muse. I believe that life has its own right to exist and torture us. I believe that I can only be a good writer if I’m true to myself and allow life to intrude, to allow my muse to soar when it wants. You can say, I’m just lazy and undisciplined and you wouldn’t be wrong. You see, NaNo for me is for fun. I’ve already written over 50,000 words a month once this year, and that was in February. So, maybe February is my NaNoWriMo. Maybe next year it will be June, or even November, we’ll see. As I said, I like the program, I think it’s a worthy cause. Maybe I’m too temperamental for it, maybe I’m too lazy for it. I’m going to try to up my word count a little yet this month. Or maybe I’ll just continue Carpe Tempus because I lke it. We’ll see. There will be another update yet this month and maybe by then I will have changed my mind about it yet again.
This is me, of course. And I’m not saying it’s the right approach to NaNoWriMo, but I find that it’s the right approach to my life. You may take this much more seriously, sweat over your word count and stress yourself because for you it’s worth it. I hope you’re having fun with NaNo, I hope you’re being successful to the point where you’re proud of yourself, and never disappointed. Because NaNo can do this for you. Push yourself, if that’s what you want this experience to be.
If this update was kinda weird for you, don’t worry, it is. I’m not making much sense, I’m afraid, but I’ll keep diggin’ and see what I come up with next week. Until then, I wish you the best with your NaNo-novel.
Carpe Tempus, lovelies.